Ici on parle français; or, The major's mistake; a farce in one act

C0«='YRIGMT.I889. BY HAROLD ROORBACH

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ICI ON
PARLE FRANCAIS

OR

THE MAJOR'S MISTAKE

A FARCEIN ONE ACT

BY

THOMAS J. WILLIAMS

New American Edition, Correctly Reprinted from the Ori-
ginal Authorized Acting Edition, with the Original
Casts of the Characters, Synopsis of Incidents,
Time of Representation, Description of the
Costumes, Scene and Property Plots, Dia-
gram OF THE Stage Setting, Sides of
Entrance and Exit, Relative Posi-
tions OF THE Performers, Expla-
nation OF THE Stage Direc-
tions, ETC., AND ALL OF
THE Stage Business.

Copyright, 1889, by Harold Roorbach.

NEW YORK

HAROLD ROORBACH

PUBLISHER

\

'\

ICl ON PARLE FRANCAIS

CAST OF CHARACTERS.

Royal Adelphi Theatre,
London,
May gth, iS^g.

Wa Hack's Theatre,

New York,

Oct. ibth, i86s.

Major Regulus Rattan

Mr. Charles Selby. Mr. Norton.

Victor Dubois Mr. Billington. Mr. Young,

Mr. Spriggins Mr, J, L, Toole. Mr. Holston.

Mrs. Spriggins Miss Arden. Mrs. John Sefton.

Angelina, their daughter . . Miss Laidlaw. Miss Green.

1\}'L\h,'wife of Major Rattan . . Mrs. Billington. Miss Mary Barrett.

Anna Maria, Maid-of-all-work Miss Kate Kelly. Miss lone Burke.

TIME OF PERFORMANCE— FORTY-FIVE MINUTES.

SYNOPSIS OF INCIDENTS.

Mr. Spriggins, residing at Dipwell-by-the-Sea, with an eye to the main
chance, determines to let lodgings during the bathing season. In the hope
of catching lodgers among foreigners of distinction, he prepares himself for
emergencies by studying "French Before Breakfast," with the aid of
which he expects to speak with Parisian purity in rather less than no time,
and places in his parlor window a placard bearing the legend " Lodg-
ings to Let — Ici on parle Frangais," While astonishing his family and
housemaid with his linguistic progress, two applicants are announced — Mrs.
Rattan and Victor Dubois — who seek an apartment for the lady until the
return of her husband from whom she has been unexpectedly separated at
the railway station. Mk. Spriggins, however, supposes the applicants to be
man and wife. Victor, having met Mrs. Rattan in the train and
politely escorted her until she should secure temporary lodgings, is about
to take his leave, with the intention of walking through the town in hopes
of meeting a certain young lady whom he had met and admired three
months before in Paris, but of whom he knows only that she lives in Dip-

ICI ON PARLE FRANCAIS. 3

well and that her name is Angelina. At the point of his departure,
Angelina enters, a recognition ensues, and Victor engages an apartment
for himself, on the spot, without, however, disclosing to Spriggins his
acquaintance with the latter's daughter. The family income now being
increased by seven guineas per week, Anna Maria, the maid-of-all-work,
strikes for more wages, and, on being refused, resigns her place, leaving
the Sprigginses to do their own cooking and clean their lodgers' boots.
While Mr. and Mrs. Spriggins are attending to their guests' wants as
best they can, Major Regulus Rattan, of the Cape Coast Slashers, who
looks his profession, bounds in abruptly, thumps the furniture about, cross-
examines Spriggins as to who his lodgers are, discloses the loss of his wife
whom he suspects to have eloped with an infernal foreign looking fellow
they met on the train, and promises to reduce both to atoms when he
crosses their path. Having been informed that two persons answering
their description had been seen to enter a house in this street, he com-
mands Mr. Spriggins, in tones of thunder, to produce his lodgers, espe-
cially his female lodger. Mrs. Spriggins now enters, and is passed off
upon the irate Major by the thoroughly alarmed Spriggins as the
female lodger in question. The Major's suspicions being now allayed,
he retires, leaving Mr. and Mrs. Spriggins conscious that " Ici on parle
Frangais " has plunged them into a serious embarrassment. While Mrs.
Rattan has followed the Major to his hotel, to explain matters, the latter
returns in a fury, having discovered the deceit imposed upon him by Mr.
Spriggins, his discovery being apparently confirmed by meeting Victor
who has entered meanwhile, and is immediately challenged by the infur-
iated Major. But just as the combat is about to begin, to the accompani-
ment of Mr. Spriggins' yells of " Fire ! " and " Police ! " the Major, cast-
ing his eye out of the window, perceives his wife approach the house ; and
with the intent of unearthing the truth at last, he conceals himself behind
the window curtains, just as his wife returns. The ensuing conversation
enlightens the Major as to the state of affairs, at which he bounces out
from his place of concealment, admits having made an ass of himself, and
commands Spriggins to produce his daughter whom he bestows off hand
upon Victor, with his blessing. Anna Maria now comes in to receive
her back wages, but eagerly resumes her place on learning that Mr.
Spriggins, having got comfortably out of the scrape caused by his " Ici on
parle Frangais," will give up all idea of French either before or after
breakfast, and that, henceforth, his only method of letting lodgings will be
to let lodgings alone.

COSTUMES.

Major. — ^Undress military coat, buttoned up to the chin — a profusion of
mustache and whiskers,

Spriggixs. — Blue tail coat, light trowsers, and colored waistcoat.

Dubois. — Fancy travelling suit, mustache and imperial, narrow-brimmed
Derby hat.

Mrs. Spriggins and Angelina. — Neat morning dresses.

Mrs. Rattan. — Travelling dress — bonnet, cloak, etc.

Anna Maria. — Housemaid's working dress — cap and apron — bonnet
and shawl.

ICI ON PARLE FRANCAIS.
STAGE SETTING.

Jfthft

or Bnciing

I

DOOK

T

5o/c

SlaTid

i

Windour
1

J?oor

0/

Taile and
CAaira

Door

Scene. — Plain chamber in 30., backed with interior backing in 4 G.
Door C. in flat. Doors r. i E., R. 3 E. and l. i. e. Window, with cur-
tains, L. 3 E. Sofa up R. Stand up L. Table and two chairs L. C. Arm
chair R. c. Chairs r. and L. Carpet down.

PROPERTIES.

Furniture as per scene plot. Curtains at window. Glass vase, holding
flowers in water, on table L. c. Pictures on walls. Bells off stage, c,
L. I E. and R. 3 E. Flowers in pots. Bell-pull. Bonnet, with cherry-
colored ribbons, off r. 3 e. Ladder, book, and coffee pot, cup and saucer
on tray, for Spriggins. Work-basket and sewing for Angelina. Feather
duster, boot and blacking brush for Anna Maria. Pair of lady's shoes.
Boots, and purse containing money, for Victor. Two pistols in Rattan's
coat pocket.

STAGE DIRECTIONS.

Observing, the player is supposed to face the audience. R., means right ;
L., left; C, centre; R. c, right of centre; L. C, left of centre; i e., first
entrance; 2 e., second entrance ; u. E., upper entrance; I, 2 or 3 g., first,
second or third grooves. D. p., door in the flat or scene running across
the back of the stage. Up Stage, toward the back ; Down Stage,
toward the footlights.

R. R. C. C. L. C. L.

Note. — The text of this play is correctly reprinted from the original
authorized acting edition, without change. The introductory matter has
been carefully prepared by an expert, and is the only part of this book pro-
tected by copyright.

ICl ON PARLE FRANCAIS

Scene. — A Parlor, in total disorder. Door at back — two doors, R.,
and one L. — a window, with ample curtains — table, chairs, &»c.
— on a table, L. , there stands a glass vase, containing water, and
in which flowers are standing — on the wall, various pictures are
suspended.

At the rising of the curtain Angelina is discovered, sewing rings
on some curtains — Anna Maria is engaged in dusting chairs
violently.

Anna, [dusting) There — and there — and there ! Oh, if ever I
have a servant, won't I serve her out for this !

Sprig, [outside doorYi., calling) Anna Maria !

Anna. Yes, sir! *

Sprig-, [without) Bring me those window curtains — I'll put
them up myself.

Angel. Why, pa, I haven't half finished sewing the rings on!

Mrs. Sprig, [outside, L., calling) Anna Maria!

Anna, [dusting) Yes, ma'am.

Mrs. Sprig, [without) Come and help me nail down the stair
carpets.

Anna, [aside) What a bother it is, to be sure — I shall never get
this tiresome dusting done !

Sprig, (r.) Anna Maria!

Mrs. Sprig, (l.) Anna Maria !

Anna, [bawling) Now, then, which is it to be? You don't expect
me to go two ways at once, surely !

Angel, Oh dear — oh dear! This scheme of pa's will wear us all
out. How sorry I am that he ever took it into his head to let lodg-
ings.

Enter MRS. SPRIGGINS, L.

Mrs. Sprig. Well, thank goodness the bedrooms are read)'.

6 I CI ON PARLE FRANC A IS.

Why, Anna Maria, what have you been about ? I declare, the par-
lor is not finished yet !

Anna. Please mum, I arn't got fifty pair o' hands. I really must
have a boy from the work' us to help me !

Mrs. Sprig, {languidly) For my part, I declare I'm ready to
faint!

Anna. Faint ! I've been faintin' ever since five this mornin* !

Enter Mr. Spriggins, door R. 3 E. with a double ladder over his

shoulder.

Sprig. Now then, will these curtains be ready to-day, or am I
to expect them sometime next week?

Angel. Pa, I declare I can't work any faster.

Mrs. Sprig, {in a dignified tone) Remember, Mr. Spriggins,
your daughter is not a hired needlewoman.

Sprig, [mildly) Very true, my dear ! That being the case I'll
just fill up the time by dusting the pictures a bit.

[seizes duster, mounts ladder, and dusts picture)

Anna, [wiping her face with apron) 1 declare I can't stand it no
longer! [throws herself back into an arm chair, R.) I s'pose I've a
right to breathe as well as other people.

Mrs. Sprig. Anna Maria ! You lazy, dawdling creature, go and
take the rest of our things to the top of the house.

Anna, [aside) There she goes again ! A pretty notion! They're
all going to live up in the garret — ^just to make every farthing
they can by letting the rest o' the house ! Mean-spirited, covetous
creatures I

Mrs. Sprig. Well, I must say, Mr. Spriggins, it's excessively
disagreeable, for a lady like myself, remotely connected with the
noble family of the Fitz-Pentonvilles, to leave my comfortable
apartments, and Hve up in a wretched attic !

Angel. And to be condemned to dress in a dark little closet, no
bigger than a cupboard.

Anna, [at door) And to have to sleep in a willanous back-kitchen
— all among the nasty rats and black beetles. It's a shame, it is!

(Exit C, door to L.)

Mrs. Sprig, [to ANGELINA) And all to gratify your papa's
absurd propensity for speculation.

Sprig, [coming down ladder) Speculation, Mrs. Spriggins — and a
very promising speculation it is, too! Here's the bathing season
coming on — a tremendous influx of visitors arriving — no end of
distinguished foreigners expected! Why, bless your heart, lodg-
ings will be at a premium ! — so I'm determined to make hay while
the sun shines — and sub-let every square inch of deal board we
can possibly dispense with ! I'll wager we shall reap a golden
harvest. And I tell you what, Mrs. Spriggins, to compensate for

ICI ON PARLE FRANCAIS. 7

any little inconvenience you may have to put up with, I intend to
take you and Angelina up to town, and treat you to the — {^hesitat-
ing) a — a — to the British Museum and National Gallery.

Angel, {pensively') I'd much sooner you'd take us to Paris, Pa.
{sighing) Heigh ho.

Mrs. Sprig. There she is again with her Paris ! Ever since we
allowed her to spend a month with her aunt in Paris, she has
thought of nothing else.

Angel, {somewhat confused) The curtains are quite ready now,
pa. {lays them on sofa.

Sprig. That's right, my dear, — now arrange the flower pots so
as to impart an air of botanical elegance to the apartment. (Ange-
lina arranges flower pots, &*c) By the by, my dear, {to his wife,
producing book from his pocket) now that we've a moment to spare,
you may as well hear me my French lesson.

Angel. French, indeed ! the idea of a man at your time of life
beginning to learn French !

Sprig. How very blind some females are to be sure — don't you
perceive, Mrs. Spriggins, that I'm laying myself out tocatchlodg-
ers among foreigners of distinction, people who hardly know the
difference between a franc and a sovereign, and who, therefore,
will agree to pay whatever I think proper to ask them ? Are you
not aware, madam, that I've got " Lodgings To Let," " Ici on
Parle Francais," in large type, stuck in my parlor window? I
am, therefore, preparing myself for emergencies, by studying that
politest of languages, on a remarkably expeditious system, entitled,
" French before Breakfast," a system which renders the aid of a
master totally superfluous, and enables the student to speak with
Parisian purity, in rather less than no time. You'd be astonished
at the progress I have made already ! ( With an atrociously bad
pronunciation) " Bongjore jnounseer; commong voiiz po?'tez vouz,
a-a-donnez moi du pain passez moi la tnoutarde." {exultitigly) By
Jove ! they'll be enraptured on hearing their native tongue spoken
with such extraordinary fluency, and I shall double their rent in
consequence, {bell rings at c.) Bless my soul, there's a ring! I
dare say it's somebody to look at the apartments. Dear, dear !
here's a confusion! — quick, quick! put these chairs in order.
{great bustle and running about) Angelina, make your escape
with this work-basket — run ! (Exit Angelina, r. i e., with basket)

Enter Anna Maria showing in Victor and Mrs. Major Rattan,
c. from L.

Anna, {sulkily) Please, sir, it's sum 'un too look at the lodg-
ings ! (Exit Anna Maria, c. to l.)

Sprig, {aside) Hat and pantaloons evidently foreign, {rubbing
his hands) My " Ici on Parle Frangais" has evidently done the

8 ICI ON PARLE FRANCAIS.

business. Now for a little " French before breakfast." [after a
great dial of bowins^ and scraping) Ahem ! Monsieur and Madame,
vennez pore*-aparte-mong ! \aside to his wife) You know one feels
a little awkward just at first.

Victor. Quels appartenients avez vans a louer monsieur ?

Sprig, [titter ly dumbfounded) Eh ?

Mrs. Sprig, [aside to het husband) Go on! Why don't you
answer ?

Sprig. You were pleased to observe ?

Victor. Quels appartenients avez vous a louer ?

Sprig. Dear me ! how very extraordinary, I don't remember
meeting with anything of the sort in " French before Breakfast."

[turns over leaves of his book)

Mrs. Sprig, [aside to SPRIGGINS) Why don't you say something ?

Sprig, [coif used) A — a — he pronounces so very indistinctly that
a — a — I have some slight difficulty in making out what he says.

Julia, [to Victor) This person evidently doesn't understand
French.

Victor. (/^ Spriggins) You no comprehend?

Sprig, (hastily) A — a — oui, oui, oui !

Victor. I to make observation — de little — announce in de vindow
•• Ici on Parle Fran^ais."

Sprig. French spoken here ? Oh, yes ! oui, oui, oui ! Ici on
parle Frangais — to be sure.

Victor. I tink it be von leetle hombogs, to attrape de stranger
lodger. You no speak French at all, you stupid man.

Sprig, [astoimded—to his ivife) What's he say?

Mrs. Sprig. He says you're a stupid man, and he isn't far out
either !

Sprig, [to Victor) You see I — I'm just a little out of pracdce.

Victor. A leetle, parbleu ! Yes, von vere large big leetle, you old
hombogs.

Sprig, [aside) Stop a bit, my fine fellow, I'll make you pay for
your old hombogs, before I've done with you.

Julia. I should require a sitting room and bed room.

Sprig. The very thing, these two rooms on the iight-[obseguiously)
— we shall be delighted to accommodate you. We charge — a — a
— four guineas a week, including attendance of the most zealous
and devoted description, and — a — a — the view of the sea — a — a —
la — la — ocean — comprenny ?

Julia. Dear me, that's rather expensive.

Sprig, Oh, dear, no ! Apartments always fetch more when, hke
ours, they are situated exactly opposite the bathing machines.

Victor, [aside) De old hombogs, charge extra for de perspectif.

Julia, [to Mrs. Spriggins) Well then, if you will have my lug-
gage brought up, I will take the apartment at once.

[seats herself in a chair which Victor has handed her)

I CI ON PARLE FRANC A IS. g

Mrs. Sprig. [wzfA great stateliness) I will give my servant the
necessary instructions. (Exit, c. to L.)

Sprig. I'll run and draw up a little memorandum, [aside) Four
guineas ! What a fool I was not to ask more — I'm sure I might
have had five — mounseer — au — au — reservoir. (Exit, R. I E. )

Julia. (/(^ Victor) And now, monsieur, permit me to return you
my heartfelt thanks for the trouble you have taken in my behalf,
during the short time we have been acquainted.

Victor. De plasir to serve von so charmante lady is its own rec-
ompense.

Julia. How provoking that I should have been so unexpectedly
separated from my husband at the refreshment station — how vexed
he will be.

Victor. Yes, de poor man, I see him to run — to run — to run
after de train, but he not can to run so fast as de locomotif.

Julia. What should I have done in this strange town without
your polite assistance ? I shall now just make a slight alteration in
my dress and go and wait at the station, until the next train arri-
ves ; my husband will be sure to come down by it. {crossesX.0 R.)

Victor, [bowing with great politeness) Then, madame, I have de
honour to vish you von vere fine how do you do. [going) I go to
walk all over de town in de hope to rencontre von charmante de-
moiselle, [sighing) H^las ! she lives in dis town, and I not know
vere. But I have intention to walk up and down all de principale
street, and to knock — knock at all de door, until I retrouve mon
Angelina, de objet de mon adoration,

Julia, [laughingly) So then you are in love, monsieur.

Victor, [ecstatically) In love, h^las! I am in love all over de
head, all over de ears, with a beautiful young Enghsh demoiselle.
I make connaissance with herin Paris at von leetle soiree dansante,
three months ago, and ever since, her lovely image, it stick in my
brain. H^las ! she tell me that she live in Dipwell, and dat her
name is Angelina — and so as I have had affair in London, I take
de occasion as soon as he was arrangd to come down here and to
cherche for mon Angehna. [bowing and preparhig to withdraw)
Adieu, madame.

Julia, [laughing) Farewell, monsieur! I can only wish you every
possible success in your search. (Exit, into room, R. 3 e. )

Victor, [alone) Charmante petite femme, parole d'honneur, but
no comparison with mon Angelina, de objet de tnon afuourf — but I
must to cut my stick. [goes up, c)

Enter SPRIGGINS, R. I E.

Sprig. Beg pardon, mounseer, but there's one little matter I
quite forgot to mention — a — a — I always make it a rule to receive
the first week's rent in advance — comprenny ?

lO ICI ON PARLE FRANCAIS.

Victor, {calmly) Verefore you say dat to me ?

Sprig. Ah, I see ! Your wife takes care of the purse — he, he, he !

{^laughitig)

Victor, {gravely) Vife sare, I have not sie honor to be dat lady's
husband — I am her — her — vot you call —

Sprig. ( puzzled) Her, what you call !

Victor. Her — her — parbleu — her cotmatssance I

Sprig, [aside) What the devil's that I wonder? I don't remem-
ber meeting with the expression in " French before Breakfast ;"
[turns over leaves of book) however I suppose it's all right — I shall
speak to the lady by and bye.

Victor, [going) It is von curious old hombogs !

Enter Angelina, r. i e. — Victor and Angelina mutually sur-
prised at unexpectedly meeting each other, utter a simultaneous
exclamation "Oh,"

Victor, [starting) Ciel!

Angel, [starting) Monsieur Victor!

Sprig. What's the matter ?

Angel, [endeavoriitg to conceal her emotion) Nothing, pa, nothing
— I — I merely came to — to look for my thimble, [aside) Monsieur
Victor here !

Victor, [aside) Mon Angelina ! can I for to believe my sen-
tences, [approaching her) My dear mees —

Sprig, [not noticing their mutual surprise, and stepping in between
them) Now, Angelina, lose no time — our preparations up stairs are
not half completed.

Angel. Yes, pa. [aside, looking at Victor) I wonder, now,
whether Monsieur Victor has come here on my account ? [signifi-
cantly) I shall be down again, presently. (Exit, r. i E.)

Victor, [aside) He'las ! she is varnish ! And so dis old hombogs
is de fader of mo?i Angelina — ah ! von brilliante inspiration it to
strike my noddle, [aloud) Sare, I have make reflection in the
interieur of myself, have you one oder apartment to let ?

Sprig. Oui, monsieur, the httle room on the left, [crosses, L.)
Three guineas a week.

Victor, [gaily) I take him dis vere moment. Ah, you vish money
in advance! de tout mon coeur. I pay you von week tout-de-
suite, [producing purse)

Sprig, [aside) Tout-de-suite ! confound it — he agrees to the three
guineas at once — what a fool I was not to ask four, [takes money
— aloud) You shall have a receipt directly.

Victor. Not necessaire — you are de fader of she — dat enough
for me.

Sprig, [puzzled) Fader-of-she !

Victor. Yes, oh, yes — I leave you pour le moment, [embracing
him tenderly) Adieu, fader of she — Adieu ! (Exit into room, l.)

ICI ON PARLE FRANCAIS. II

Sprie. ii^uzzled) Fader-of-she ! can I have met with that expres-
sion in ''French before Breakfast?" [^iurns over pages of hn book
astZi^h looking for the expression) I can't find it among the P s

but if me sef now, four and three make seven-seven gumeas
7week ' a very nice httle addition to one's weekly income. My
.' Ici on Parle Frangais" certainly was a first-rate notion.

Enter Mrs. Spriggins. c. from i.., followed by Anna Maria, who
is brushing a boot.

Mrs Sprig. Don't be impertinent, miss. What do you think
MnSpSs. here's Anna Maria insisting upon having her wages

"s^rig. [horrified) Wages, indeed! What -precedented^^^^^

""TnT\sulkily) It 'ud take six maids o' all work to do the work

°' SprL^°St'uff and nonsense ! a baby in arms might undertake the
plac'Lf (^.// rings) There. Anna Maria, run 1 there s our new

^'H! X^oing) Another person to wait on ! I declare if it arnt
worse nor a regular treadmill ! ^J^Tn^' s^cheme

Sprig. Well, Mrs. Spriggins. what do you say to my scheme
now " I've let the little bed room for three guineas a week to the
young Frenchman. I was a fool, was I— eh?
^ Mrl Sprig, {insinuatingly) You'll make me a present of a new

silk dress

rig. (insinuatingly)
won t you, ducky ?

IK Qiebb, wuu t yuu, ^^uv-n.;. . t i n ^«

Sprig, [with dignify) I shall see, Mrs. S.-I shall see.

Re-enter Anna Maria, door^. 3 e.. with a pair of ladies boots.

Anna, [speaking off) Yes. mum-you shall have 'em directly,
mum. [shuts door) Here's a treat! more bo^ts to black, and now
the lady wants a basin o' gravy soup; perhaps you expect me to
get that ready, too!

Mrs. Sprig. Of course we do. Miss Impudence.

'^ [nng heard, L. )

Sprig. Oh, there goes the Frenchman's bell— run, Anna Maria,
and see what he wants. . l jr ixr i

Victor, [partly opening his door, L., and passing a pair of Wel-
lington boots through) ViU you have the obligeance to put de pol-
ishment upon my Duke de Welhngtons ? ^

Anna, [sulkily taking boots) What, another on em?

Victor. (^5 before) And bring von leetle tasse de cafe, and von
beeftake aux pommes-de-terres ! ^ , , ,^ ^^i.?„.^li

Anna, [sarcastically) Oho, a beefsteak o pongdetaie. eh? ^^ell
I'm sure [folding her arms, and holding a pair of boots in each hand
-crosses to C.) And do you think I'm going to hexhaust myself in

I;2f ICI ON PARLE FRANCAIS.

this here manner for a paltry eight pound a year, and find my
own tea and sugar?

Mrs. Sprig, [scornfully) Impertinent menial, of course we do!

Anna. Then I solemnly vows, I won't do another individual
thing unless you raise my wages !

Sprig. Unparalleled audacity ! but come now, I'll see what I can
do for you. I don't mind giving you an extra ten shiUings,

Anna, {eagerly) A week !

Sprig. No, a year.

Anna, [coniejnptuously) Not a bit of it! catch me knocking
myself up for a parcel of miserly wretches, as go and sleep up in
a top garret just to make money by letting their own bedrooms,
and slaving the very life out of a poor, unfortunate maid o* all
work ! Why, Uncle Tom's Cabin was a fool to it.

Mrs. Sprig. Insolent minx ! not another word.

Anna, {placing her arms a-kimbo) Will you double my wages ?

&prig. } (^"^l'"S) N°'

Anna. Then liberty for ever! I resigns my place — here take
your boots, and pohsh 'em yourselves, [layiitg one of the boots on
Spriggins' arm, and the other on his wife s) Here's your apron
and your brush ! [taking off apron, and giving it and the brush to
Mrs. Spriggins.) Take you property, and now go and get your
lodger's lunch ready — the gravy soup and the coffee, and the
beefsteak o' pongdetare — ha, ha, ha ! what fun it will be to see
missus a-doing the cooking, and master a-brushing the boots — ha,
ha, ha ! (Exit, C. to l. )

(Mr. and Mrs. Spriggins remain with the boots,
brush, apron, &^c., in their arms, contemplat-
ing each other in 7nute stupefaction. )

Sprig. Well, now, we are in a precious fix ! I never thought the
hussey really meant it. What the deuce are we to do ? however,
as far as our immediate requirements are concerned, I suppose
there's no great mystery in broiling a beefsteak and making a cup
of coffee ?

Mrs. Sprig, [indignantly) What, sir, do you suppose that I, a
distant descendant of the Fitz-Pentonvilles, will disgrace myself
by meddUng with frying-pans and gridirons? Never!

Sprig, [subjnissively) Well, my dear, then I'll attend to the
culinary department — perhaps you wouldn't object just to take
the dust off the lady's boots — somebody must do it, you know, we
have let the apartments, " attendance included."

Mrs. Sprig, [angrily snatching boots a jid brush from her husband)
Mr, Spriggins, I'll never forgive you for subjecting a lady of my
aristocratic descent to such shocking humilation ! [begins to brush

ICI ON PARLE FRANC AIS. 13

P' jX:°( S M';boots, if you please ; and send the servant
'° Mr" Sprif There ! she wants somebody to lace her stays ! per-

""Mrf'sprig. (m a tremendous fluster) M-'-.^Priggif • ^ ^""^^"J
on^he P^sLt^ccasjon to^cnfice ^^^^'^^^.^t^^^

'°t;y/^Ti) Halloa: « the. ^^^
Frenchman wants his stays lacea. no, iu

Enter Victor, A»« ^« '"<'<"«. ^- ^' '^^ 5«,« .«<7«««/, Angelina
appears door, B. i E.

^moiir^ \\. vj diS riot \- on apparition ! i, ^ i

he condock me to your side ! forgotten me long ago.

Angel, (coquelltshly) I 'h°"f*'t ^^ JV^ u,u.f,uii\ Forget you !
Victor. {Ml retainmg htshM o^^beUP^^^^^^^ ^ >^,^„

14 I CI ON PARLE FRANCA IS.

grasps the bell-piill, not perceivmg that by so doing he is also ringing
the bell)

Angel. Take care, Monsieur Victor, you're ringing the bell.
Ah, here's somebody coming. (Angelina disappears, R. i E.,a7id
Victor, l. ; they slam their doors violently, at the same momenf)

Re-enter Spriggins, C. frotn L.

Sprig, [perceiving the two doors shut simultaneously) Bless my
soul ! What a devil of a draught there is here.

Enter MAJOR Regulus Rattan, c. from l. — he wears an undress
military coat buttoned up to the chin, an enormous pair of mus-
taches, and speaks haughtily and gruffly.

Major, [angrily) What do you mean, sir, by opening your street
door and leaving me standing on the step ?

Sprig, [coolly continuing to black boots) Very sorry, sir, but I heard
a ring in this direction.

Major, [abruptly) Are you the shoeblack of this estabhshment?

Sprig, [indignantly) Shoeblack !

Major. Servant, then — lackey, if you prefer the epithet.

Sprig, [with offended dignity) Not by ^?;/y means, sir — not hy any
means ! I'm merely performing the — a — a — the operation in which
you see me engaged, out of a — a — politeness to my lodgers.
[knocks at Victor's door, l., and puts down boots, which Victor
puts out one arm to take) Mounseer ! la boots ! (Spriggins then
returns to Major, and majestically throwing off his apron, exclaims)
No, sir, I am the proprietor of this establishment.

Major. Then it's you who let these lodgings ?

Sprig. Yes, but I'm as full as I care to be, under existing cir-
cumstances.

Major, [angrily) Then what the devil do you mean by keeping
your bill up?" Do you think people climb your infernally dark stair-
case for the mere pleasure of contemplating that unmeaning phys-
iognomy of yours? [abruptly) Who are your lodgers?

Sprig, [surprised) A lady and gentleman.

Major, [hastily) A lady and gentleman ? What sort of a lady
and gentleman?

Sprig, [with great dignity) Sir, I am a free born British subject,
and I really don't see that I am in any way compelled to answer
the question. Besides, you really appear so unnecessarily excited,
that-
Major. Excited! I should think I was. I've come all the way
from the last refreshment station on an engine — an engine, sir, that
I engaged at my own individual expense. By Jove, my eyes are
full of coal dust now. Give me some water.

Sprig, [surprised) Water !

ICI ON PARLE FRANC AIS. I 5

Major. Yes, to rinse the cinders out of my eyes !
Sprig. Confound it ! the fellow's going to refit here !
Major, {perceiving a glass water-Jug on table, filled with fiowers)
Aha, this will do !

[Takes out fiowers — coolly throws them away — pours
water into the palm of his hand, and bathes his eyes)

Sprig, [alarmed) Mind what you're about! You're spilling the
water over my new carpet.

Major, [coolly) You can have it wiped up ! [takes up the curtains
that are lying on sofa, and dries his hands in them)

Sprig, [in agony — roaring) My new curtains ! Do-o-n't! I — I'll
fetch you a towel.

Major, [coolly throwing curtains away) Quite unnecessary ! [thump-
ing down a chair in front ^Spriggins) Sit down.

Sprig, [somewhat alarmed) Thank you, I'm not at all fatigued.

Major, [imperatively) Sit down, I say.

Sprig, [sitting down — aside) I feel half inclined to send for a
policeman.

Major, [sitting down) Now then. Are you married or single ?

Sprig, [abruptly) Married.

Major. I'm glad of it. You'll be the better able to sympathize
with me. I, unfortunately, am also married.

Sprig. Really, sir, your conversation is fascinating in the extreme,
but-
Major. Don't interrupt me — I was on the point of informing you
that I'm a retired Major, late of the Cape Coast Slashers.

Sprig, [aside) He looks his profession !

Major. Having got tired of Zulu Kaffirs and wild beast hunts, I
sold out, returned to England, and in an unguarded moment, re-
cently married a lovely young lady — the daughter of a brother
officer.

Sprig, [aside) Now what the devil is all this to me ?

Major. Well, sir, wishing to give my wife a treat, I resolved upon
spending a month with her at the sea-side ; we started this morning
per express ; in the same carriage was a young fellow, one of those
infernal, insinuating, foreign looking dogs ! On reaching the re-
freshment station, my wife complains of hunger — I rush from the
train, and purchase three Bath buns ; no sooner had my wife tasted
one of them than she informs me she's thirsty.

Sprig. Well, there's nothing so very extraordinary in that !

Major. Oh, you think so, do you? Just wait a moment before
you give your opinion. Well, sir, forgetting that the ten minutes
had already expired, I returned to the refreshment room, and was
just compounding for a glass of sherry and water, when— zum !
zum ! zum ! off goes the train with my wife and the young French-
man.

l6 ICI ON PARLE FRANCAIS.

Sprig, [starting) The young Frenchman !

Major. Yes, sir— the young Frenchman. They hadn'texchang-
ed a word the whole way — and yet they had connived together to
deceive me! [^angrily] Don't you perceive, you old idiot, that my
wife's need of refreshment was a mere pretext to get rid of me ?

Sprig, [aside— alarmed) A young Frenchman ! It strikes me
forcibly I've let my lodgings to the identical pair.

Major, [yiohmtly) But I'll find them, [rises] and when I do I'll
reduce them to atoms! I'll pulverize them to fine dust— I — I'll
smash them like — [seizing the porcelain vase which stands on the
table)

Sprig, [alarmed, a7td seizing him by the arm) Gently, sir — that's
real.

Major. Pshaw ! how frightened you seem about a trumpery piece
of earthenware ! Well, sir, [resuming his seat) I have just received
information that persons answering to their description have been
seen to enter a house on this side, and in this part of the street. I
— 1 therefore insist upon your producing your lodgers — your female
lodger especially.

Sprig. Really, sir, this is most extraordinary conduct !

Major, [roaring) Produce your lodger, sir ! I'll not leave the
house until I have closely inspected your female lodger ! [thumps
his chair violently against floor, and resumes his seat with a deter-
mined air)

Sprig. Confound it all ! don't knock the house down !

Major, [roaring) Produce your female lodger I

Sprig, [aside, trembling) If it should prove to be the lady who
arrived just now, we're all done for.

Major, [rising, and upsetting his chair) You refuse to produce
your female lodger ?

Enter Mrs. Spriggins, r. 3 e.

Sprig, [perceiving her) Here's my wife, by Jove ! — a bright idea I
[coining to R. — aloud) Sir, this is my female lodger.

Major. What, that individual?

Mrs. Sprig, [aside, offended) What does the fellow mean by in-
dividual, I wonder?

Sprig, [hastily, aside to his wife) Say it's you, or it's all up with
us I

Mrs. Sprig, [aside, alanned) What does he mean?

Major. Are you the female tenant of these apartments?

Sprig, [tivitching her dress behind) Say yes.

Mrs. Sprig, [bewildered) Y-e-e-s !

Major, [to Spriggins) Then what the devil did you mean by
talking to me of ?i young couple? [pointing to Mrs. Spriggins.) Is
this your notion of juvenility ?

ICI ON PARLE FRANCA IS. IJ

Mrs. Sprig, [highly incensed) The impolite ruffian !

Major. The sight of you, madam, has appeased my suspicions
as far as this house is concerned, [cones to c) I shall try next
door, and then return to the White Hart Hotel, [relapsing into fury)
But as to those two, if ever I catch them, I — I'll — [as he is going,
he runs against a chair, which he kicks violently to the back of t lie
stage, and e^x C. to i^. , furiously)

Mrs. Sprig-, [disdainfully) And now, Mr. Spriggins, perhaps
you'll inform me who this person is?

Sprig. Who he is ? Why, it strikes me he's either the Wild Man
of the Woods or the King of the Cannibal Islands. But there's no
time to lose ; he'll be back again if we don't look out. [knocking
hastily at Julia's door, r. 3 e., and calling) Hallo! Mrs. What's-
your-name ! I must speak with you immediately !

Enter Julia, /w;« room, R. 3 e.

Julia. With me, sir?

Sprig. Yes, madam — it's really too bad of you to expose a re-
spectable man like myself, the father of a family, to the chance of
being devoured alive by a roaring Ojibbeway, like your husband !

Julia. My husband !

Angelina at this moment appears at door, R. i E. , and assumes a
listening attitude.

Sprig. Yes. madam, your husband, from whom it appears you
have surreptitiously escaped, under cover of three Bath buns and
a glass of sherry and water.

Julia. My husband, you say, has been here? Oh, why did you
not tell me ?

Sprig. Because I knew better, madam — because he threatened
to murder you and the young Frenchman, the partner of your
flight.

Angel, [aside) What do I hear ? The partner of her flight !
How dreadful ! [disappears hastily)

Julia, [indignantly) Flight, sir ! How dare you insinuate such a
thing? Good heavens! what a fearful position to be placed in !
And should my husband, naturally so jealous, attribute our acci-
dental separation to premeditated design ! I'll hasten to him, and
explain all. Where is he staying?

Sprig. Let me see — he said he had put up at the White Hart
Hotel, at the corner of the next street.

Julia, [re-entering room) I'll put on my bonnet, and seek him
immediately. (Exit, r. 3 e.)

Mrs. Sprig. Well, Mr. Spriggins, a pretty mess you've brought
us into by this absurd scheme of yours! This comes of pretending
you can speak French, and sticking up a palpable falsehood in
your parlor window !

l8 ICI ON PARLE FRANCAIS.

Sprig:, [distracted) Don't bother me, Mrs. Spriggins! Have you
forgotten that the Frenchman's waiting for his coffee all this time?
[entreatingly') Now go and make the kettle boil — do now — there's
a ducky !

Mrs. Sprig, [tragically) Shades of my noble ancestors! behold
not the degradation of your luckless descendant ! (Exit, c. to l.)

Re-enter ]\5\AK,from roorn, R. 3 E., with her bonnet and shawl on —
her bonnet is trimmed with cherry-colored ribbons.

Julia, [eagerly) The hotel at the corner, you said, sir?

Sprig. Yes, ma' am, I'll come down to the door and show you
where it is. [aside] There'll be murder done if that Cape Coast
Slasher returns and finds her here! [aloud) This way, ma'am —
this way. (Exeunt, C. to L,)

The moment they are gone, Angelina rushes in, R. i e., and throws
herself, in a state of great dejection, into an arm chair.

Angel. Can I believe my senses ? Monsieur Victor has has run
away with a married woman ! How frightful ! [produces her
pocket handkerchief)

Enter Victor, l.

Victor. Enfin ! they are all gone ! Ah, de object de mon adora-
tion ! My dear mees

Angel, [indignantly) Leave me sir — your conduct is shameful —
infamous !

Victor, [astonished) Misericorde ! vat have I did ?

Angel. I have overheard all, sir! Can you deny that you came
here this morning with a lady — a married lady, sir — with whom
you had run away ?

Victor. Charmante, mees, ma parole d'honneur — I see her for
de first time dis morning in de railway, [tragically placijig his hand
on his heart) On de honneur of von P>enchman, ma'amselle, I
love but von lady in dis vide vorld, and dat is your charmante
self. I swear it by dis leetle hand ! [kneeling and kissing her hand.
As he is doittg so, Spriggins enters at back, C.from L., with coffee
pot and cup, and on perceiving the tableau before him, utters a shout
of surprise)

Sprig. Hallo! What's all this?

Angel, [tragically) Heavens ! my pa I

Victor. Ventrebleau ! dat old hombogs again !

Sprig, [uttering a cry of pain) Confound the coffee pot! I've
burnt my fingers! [puts coffee f>ot and tray on table) I say, moun-
seer, what— a — a — what la devil were you doing at my daughter's
feet? Explain, sir, what was your motive for assuming that shoe-
maker s attitude?

ICI ON PARLE FRANCA IS. 1 9

Victor, [with much solemnity) Sare, se immortal Shak-es-pare to
say, " Brevity is se soul of wits." I have the honor to ask de
hand of your female shild in marriage !

Sprig, [astonished) The devil you have !

Victor. Yes — she loves me, and 1 love she.

Sprig. What, in five minutes ? I must put a stop to all this ! I
insist upon your leaving my apartments instantly !

Victor. Sare, I shall do nothing of de kind. I have pay for
von veek, and parbleu, for von veek I vill remain — so you must
permission me to drink my cafe in tranquilite. [aside) De old
hombogs I he tink he to see some green !

[Seats himself at table — -pours himself out a cup of coffee, which he
proceeds to drink with the greatest calmness. He is so situated
that his face is turned away from the door at back)

Sprig, [in a tremendous passion) I — I shall go mad with rage ! —
and to think that I've brought it all upon myself through that
infernal " Ici on Parle Frangais! "

Re-enter MAJOR Regulus Rattan, violently, C. fro7n l.

Major. I knew the rascal was deceiving me !

Sprig, [aside) Mercy upon us ! Here's the roaring Ojibbeway
come back again i

Victor, [aside) Ma foi ! de husband of de leetle voyageuse.

Major, [to SPRIGGINS — not perceiving Victor) And so sir, you
thought you'd make an ass of me, did you ? But allow me to
inform you that it's not to be done, sir — it's not to be done ! As
I was re-passing this wretched old house of yours, I happened to
look up at the bed-room window — and through it, I perceived,
lying on the dressing-table, an article of costume which confirms
my suspicions that my wife is at this very moment in your house.

Victor, [aside) My opinion is, dat sie fellow is tree sheets in sie
wind mill !

Major, [to Spriggins) Sir, I am naturally of a mild disposition !
Up to the present, I flatter myself I have been calmness itself! —
but have a care, sir ! Dare to exasperate my natural placidity by
further prevarication, and I — I — [in a tremendous fury) — damme,
I'll pound you to a jelly! [laying hold of him by the collar) My
wife, sir — hand her over this instant !

Sprig, [breaking from him) Let go, sir, you're rumpling my
front !

Major. You won't? Then I'll find her myself, [rushes to door,
R. 3 E., kicks it open violently — crash, and, exit, R.)

Sprig, [dismayed) The fellow has broken my lock ! To think
that wild Indians should be allowed to roam about in this manner !
The police are really of no use at all !

20 ICI ON PARLE FRANCAIS.

Re-enter MAJOR, R. 3 E., with a lady s bonnet in his hand.

Major. It's remarakbly strange ! — I've looked under the bed, and
in all the cupboards, but no Mrs. Major Rattan.

Sprig. Haven't I been telling you so for the last quarter of an
hour ?

Major, [crushing bonnet in his hand) And yet, this infernal bon-
net is a proof that she must be concealed somewhere about these
dingy premises, [punches in the crown of the bonnet)

Sprig. Why, confound the fellow ! That's my wife's new Sunday
bonnet ! She forgot to remove it with her other things !

Major. Your wife's! Then why the devil do you allow your
wife to wear cherry colored ribbons, like Mrs. Major Rattan?
[angrily claps bonnet on Spriggins' head) Once more, I say, where
is she ?

Sprig, [violently alarmed) She's a — a — a — [sta7mnering) she's
go-one out !

Major, [in a voice of thunder) Gone out! Then she has been
here?

Sprig, [doggedly) Well, then — yes — she has ! She's just gone
to the White Hart Hotel — a — a — in the hope of finding you
there.

Major. Rascally letter of unlettable lodgings 1 you're deceiving
me again ! Here's another apartment — I dare say she's concealed
there !

[Is about to enter YiCTO'R.'s roojn, l., when Victor rises and places
himself between the Major a7td the door)

Victor. Sap-r-r-ris-ti ! You take me for von nincompoop, sare !
No von shall valk into my own particular apartment.

Major, [with a tremendous start) Fire and fury ! that accursed
young frog-eater! [roaring) Where's my wife, sir?

Victor, [calmly) Sare, I not know.

Major. It's false, sir — you bribed the guard to start without me.

Victor. You tell von lie, sare !

Major. Rascal ! hand me over Mrs. Regulus Rattan !

Victor, [throwing himself into a burlesque boxing attitude) Sare,
I vill box your eye !

Sprig. [i7i a violent state of alarm) Good gracious! there'll be
murder done ! Dear gentlemen, if you are determined to cut one
another's throats, don't doit over my new carpet!

Major, [to Victor) Sir, you shall give me satisfaction on the
spot. I never travel without my pistols! [producing pistols from
his pocket and presenting one to Victor)

Victor, [in a furious rage) Sare, you are one enrage ros-bif bull
dog I

Major. Insolent puppy ! You shall receive my fire across this

I CI ON PARLE FRANC A IS. 21

table, in the American style! Old What's-his-name shall be
second to both of us. (Victor and Major place themselves one
on each side of the table)

Sprig, [wringing- his hands) Oh, dear — oh, dear! a duel across
my best bit of mahogany ! [rushing between them — roaring) Gentle-
men— gentlemen ! this isn't Chalk Farm !

Major. Now then, sir, are you ready ?

Sprig, [in a paroxysm of fear) Murder! fire! poUce !

Major. Keep still, you old jackanapes, or — [suddenly looking in
the direction of window) Hallo! can I believe my eyes ! [runs
violently to window and opens it)

Enter MRS. Spriggins, c.frorn L.

Mrs. Sprig. Why, what on earth is the meaning of all this
noise ?

Major, [looking out of window) Zounds and confusion ! if there
isn't my wife looking in at a bonnet shop ! By Jupiter, she's com-
ing here ! [shuts down window violently, and breaks a pane of
glass)

Sprig, [despairingly) There goes half a crown's worth.

Major. Now, then, I shall discover the truth at last. I'll conceal
myself behind these window curtains, and mark me — if one of
you, by word or sign, intimate that I am in the room, [with calm
ferocity) I — I'll blow his brains out. [conceals himself behind cur-
tain— he occasionally clicks the lock of a pistol as a retninder )

Mrs. Sprig, [alarmed) Mercy on us ! what a ferocious monster.

Sprig, [dolefully) If I'm not laid up after all this, it's a pity !
Oh, what a fool I was ever to let lodgings — and what an idiot I
was to stick up " Ici on Parle Frangais ! "

Enter JULIA, C. from L.

Julia. Dear me, how very vexatious ; my husband appears
merely to have stopped a few minutes at the hotel, and then to
have gone out no one knows where, [observing their silence and
constraint) But what's the matter with you all ? What do you all
mean by staring at one another in this way ?

Sprig, [confused) I — I — I don't feel exactly the thing.

Julia. Has anything happened during my absence? [still strict
silence — to Spriggins) Has my husband been here again ? [no one
answers) Have either of you seen him, I say ?

Sprig. No !

Mrs. Sprig. No !

Victor. No !

Julia. So much the better, [to Victor) for if he had found you
here, monsieur, there's no knowing what might have happened.

Major, [who repeatedly pops his head from behind curtains — aside)
So she was anxious on the fellow's account ; fire and fury !

22 ICI ON PARLE FRANCAIS.

Julia. (<r^«/z>mz«^) My poor husband is so dreadfully jealous,
[1o Mrs. Spkiggins) If he had even seen the friendly shake of
the hand which your husband gave me just now at the door —

Sprig, [horribly alarmed) It's no such thing! I_I_I_didn't
give you a friendly anything ! [aside — writhing) I'm certain the
monster is taking deliberate aim at me between the shoulders.

Julia, [appears surprised at Spriggins' manner, but continues)
I'm sure you monsieur, [addressing Victor) must have noticed
how fiercely he glared at you in the train, every time you hap-
pened to look my way. (Victor says nothing but nods his head
violently) I do believe — ha, ha, ha I I do believe he was jealous
of you — of you who confess that you are dead in love with the
young lady you met at a ball in Pans.

Major, [aside, popping his head from betweeti curtains) A young
lady — ball — Paris ?

Julia. [conti7iuing) A young lady to whom you must indeed be
deeply attached, since you have journeyed to this town for the
sole purpose of seeking after her.

Major, [aside) What's that she says? [rushes violently towards
Victor, and as he does so, drags down curtains)

Julia, [extremely astonished) My husband !

Mrs. Sprig. | ^/„ ^^^;^^) The curtains !

Major, [stumbling over curtains) Confound your curtains !
[throws them away — to Victor eagerly) Is it really true that you
are in love with somebody else?

Victor. Vat you mean, sare ?

Sprig. To be sure he is — the somebody in question happens to
be my daughter.

Major. Your daughter ? why, you never told me you had a
daughter! Produce her! produce your daughter, sir!

Enter Angelina, r. i e., during the last words.

Sprig. Here she comes !

Major. Hem! Ah! nice looking girl, not in the least hke her
father, [to Angelina — impressively) Young woman, is this seduc-
tive foreigner in love with you ?

Angel, [glancing archly at Victor) At any rate, he says so !

Victor, [rapturously approaching her) And he mean it too — and
once more, [turning to Spriggins) my dear old gentlemans, I
pray you to accord to me se hand of your charmante female
shild ; my father, he vere rich — Dubois et Compagnie, Rue Saint
Lazare, Paris !

Major, [hastily) Dubois and Co., Rue St. Lazare — bless my
soul — know the firm well — got a house out at the Cape ! [aside)
By Jove, then I've been making an ass of myself all this time!

ICI ON PARLE FRANC A IS. 23

[abruptly) Take her, young man — she's yours ! {handing Ange-
lina to NiQ.TO^— pathetically) Bless you, my children !

Sprig, [hastily) Hallo ! there ! — not quite so fast — as I'm only
the young lady's father, allow me to have some share in the mat-
ter! Mrs. S. and I must talk the matter over, and if, upon in-
quiry, I find Mr. Dubois' description of himself to be correct, I
see no reason why w^e shouldn't accept him as our son-in-law.

Victor, [kissing AiiG^'Li'tiA.'s hand) Oh, bonheur !

Enter Anna Maria, cfrom l. with bonnet and shawl on.

Anna, [with great dignity) Please to pay me my wages, and to
examine my box, for my cousin, the policeman, has called to
fetch it away.

Sprig. My good girl, we'll see about all that presently — Mrs.
Spriggins, you were perfectly right — If ever I speculate again, I'll
take precious good care it shan't be on my own premises, and, for
the future, my only method of "letting lodgings," will be to " let
lodgings alone ! ' '

Anna, [eagerly) Let lodgings alone ! then I resumes my place.
[takes off bonnet and shawl )

Sprig. Thankee ! [continuing ) And as for French, my dear, I
give up all idea of it, whether before or after breakfast, for
although my pretensions to that language have brought me a son-
in-law, I am firmly convinced I shall never have it in my power
conscientiously to say — [tap pifig himself 07t the forehead)

" Ici ON Parle Francais ! "

Angel.
Spriggins. Victor.

Mrs. Sprig. Julia.

Anna. Major.

CURTAIN.

BY FORCE OF IMPULSE.

A. Dr^ivi^a. in Kive Acts, by H. V. Vogx.

Price, 15 Cents.

Nine male, three female characters, viz.: Leading and Second Juvenile Men,
Uld Man, Genteel Villain, Walking Gentleman, First and Second Light Comedians,
Heavy Character, Lov^r Comedian, Leading and Second Juvenile Ladies and Comic
Old Maid. Time of playing, Two houre and a half.

SYNOPSIS OF EVENTS.

Act L Lovb vs. Impui^e. — Doller-
dutch's office. — A fruitless journey, a
heap of accumulated business and a
chapter of unparalleled impudence. —
News from the front. — A poor girl's
taouble and a lawyer's big heart. — Hil-
da's sad story. — " I 'II see this thing
through if it costs me a fortune I " — A
sudden departure in search of a clue —
The meeting of friends. — One of nature's
noblemen. — Maitland betrays his secret
by a slip of the tongue. — The ball at
Beachwood. — Twospooneys.fresh from
coUege.lose their heads and their hearts.
—"Squashed, by Jupiter!' — Trusting
innocence and polished villainy. — The
interrupted tryst. — An honest man's
avowal. — A picture of charming simpli-
city.— Murdell and Hilda meet face to
iace. — " I dare you to make another
victim 1" — A scoundrel's discomfiture. —
Tableau.

Act n. The Separation. — The Mait-
land homestead. — Anastasia's doubts. —
A warm welcome and its icy reception.
—Forebodings and doubts. — Father and
eon. — Searching questions. —A domestic
storm and a parent's command. — A
foiled villain's wrath. — Enlisting for the
war. — The collapse of the cowards. —
" It 's no u-se, 'Dolphy, the jig 's up !" —
Hilda's sympathy and Adrienne's silent
despair. — The result of impulse. — The
father pleads for his son. — Anastasia
and Dollerclutch. — Coriolanus comes to
grief. — Good and bad news. — Husband
and wife. — Reginald demands an ex-

?lanation. — A hand without a heart. —
he separation. — A new recruit. — Too
late ; the roll is signed. — Tableau.

Act III. Duty vs. Impulse. — Four
vears later. — A camp in the army. —
Longines. — " Only six miles from
home ! — The skeleton in the closet. —
A father's yearning for his child. — A
woman-hater in love. — Dollerclutch's
dream. — A picture of camp life and fun.
— Coriolanus has his revenge. — News
from home. — Dollerclutch makes a big
find. "Eureka!" — Proofs of Hilda's
parentage and marriage. — A happy old

lawyer. — " I '11 take them to Hilda ! " —
Detailed for duty. — A soldier's tempta-
tion.— The sentinel deserts his post —
The snake in the grass. — "At last, I can
humble his pride ! "

Act IV. The Reconciliation and
Sequel. — At Reginald's homt-. — News
from the army. — " Grant is not the man
to acknowledge defeat !" — Adrienne and
Hilda. — False pride is broken. — The re-
conciliation.— " Will Reginald forgive
me?" — Dollerclutch brings joy to Hil-
da's heart. — "You are the daughter of
Morris Maitland !"— The stolen docu-
ments and the snake in the grass. —
"Hang me if I don't see this thing
through !" — A letter to the absent one.—
Face to face. — The barrier of pride
swept down. — "Reginald, I love you;
come back!" — The happy reunion. —An
ominous cloud. — "I have deserted my
post ; the penalty is death. I must re'-
turn ere my absence is discovered !" —
The wolf in the sheepfold. — A wily-
tempter foiled. — A villain's rage. —
" Those words have sealed your doom !"
— The murder and the escape. —
Dollerclutch arrives too late. — The pur.-
suit.

Act V. Divine Impulse. — In camp. —
Maitland on duty. — The charge of de-
sertion and the examination, — "I knew
not what I did !" — The colonel's lenity. —
Disgrace. — News of Adrienne's murder
is Drought to camp. — Circumstantial
evidence fastens the murder upon Reg-
inald.—The court-martial. — Convicted
and sentenced to be shot. — Preparations
for the execution. — ' God knows I am
innocent! " — Dollerclutch arrives in the
nick of time. — "If you shoot that man
you commit murder!" — The beginning
of the end. — "Adrienne lives!" — A vil-
lain's terror. — Adrienne appears on the
scene. — " There is the attempted assas-
sin !" — Divine impulse. — The reward of
innocence and the punishment of vil«
lainy. — Good news. — " Hurrah, the wal-
ls over; Lee has surrendered to Grant!"
— The happy dgnouement 3ind Jlnale,- •
Tableau.

Copies mailed, post-paid, to any address on receipt o/the advertised price.

HAROIvE) ROORBACH, Publishier,

9 MYJRRAV ST., I«E:^V YORK.

NEW ENTERTAINMENTS.

THE JAPANESE WEDDING.

A costume pantomime representation of the Wedding Ceremony in Japanese high life.
The company consists of the bride and groom, their parents, six bridesmaids, and
the officiating personage appropriately called the " Go-between." There are
various formalities, including salaams, tea-drinking, eating rice-cakes, and giving
presents. No words are spoken. The ceremony (which occupies about 50
minutes), with the " tea-room," fills out an evening well, though music and other
attractions may be added. Can be represented by young ladies alone, if preferred.
Price, 25 Cents.

AN EVENING WITH PICKWICK.

A Literary and Dramatic Dickens Entertainment. — Introduces the Pickwick Club,
the Wardles of Dingley Dell, the Fat Boy, Alfred Jingle, Mrs. Leo Hunter, Lord
Mutanhed and Count Smorltork, Arabella Allen and Bob Allen, Bob Sawj'er, Mrs.
and Master Bardell, Mrs. Cluppins, Mrs. Weller, Stiggins, Tony Weller, Sam
Weller, and the Lady Traveller. Price, 25 cents.

AN EVENING WITH COPPERFIELD.

A Literary and Dramatic Dickens Entertainment. — Introduces Mrs. Copperfield,
Davie, the Peggotys, the Murdstones, Mrs. Gummidge, Little Em'ly, Barkis,
Betsey Trotwood, Mr. Dick and his kite, Steerforth, the Creakles, Traddles,
Rosa Dartle, Miss Mowcher, Uriah Heep and his Mother, the Micawbers, Dora
and Gyp, and the wooden-legged Gatekeeper. Price, 25 cents.
These " Evenings with Dickens " can be represented in whole or in part, require
1 it little memorizing, do not demand experienced actors, are not troublesome to pre-
pare, and are suitable for performance either on the platform or in the drawing room.

THE GYPSIES' FESTIVAL.

A Musical Entertainment for Young People. Introduces the Gypsy Queen, Fortune
Teller, Yankee Peddler, and a Chorus of Gypsies, of any desired number. The
scene is supposed to be a Gypsy Camp. The costumes are very pretty, but
simple ; the diah gue bright ; the music easy and tuneful ; and the drill movements
and calisthenics are graceful. Few properties and no set scenery required, so
that the entertainment can be represented on any platform. Price, 25 cents.

THE COURT OF KING CHRISTMAS.

A CHRISTMAS ENTERTAINMENT, The action takes place in Santa Claus
land on Christmas eve, and represents the bustling preparations of St. Nick and
his attendant worthies for the gratification of all children the next day. The cast
may include as many as 36 characters, though fewer will answer, and the enter-
tainment represented on a platform, without troublesome properties. The cos-
tumes are simple, the incidental music and drill movements graceful and easily
managed, the dialogue uncommonly good, and the whole thing quite above the
average. A representation of this entertainment will cause the young folks, from
six to sixty, fairly to turn themselves inside out with delight, and, at the same
time, enforce the important moral of Peace and Good Will. Price, 25 cents.
RECENTLY PUBLISHED.

ILLUSTRATED TABLEAUX FOR AMATEURS. A new series of Tableaux
?''i7'rt«^j, by Martha C. Weld. In this series each description is accompanied
with a full-page illustration of the scene to be represented.
PARI- I. -MISCELLANEOUS TABLEAUX.— Contains General Introduction,

12 Tableaux and 14 Illustrations. Price, 25 Cents.
PART II. — MISCELLANEOUS TABLEAUX.— Contains Introduction, 12 Ta-
bleaux and 12 illustrations. Price, 25 Cents.

SAVED FROM THE WRECK. A drama in three acts. E^ght male, three
female characters. Time, two hours and a half. Price, 15 Cents.

BETWEEN TWO FIRES. A comedy-drama in three acts. E.ght male, three
fTnale chancters. Time, two hours and a half. Price, 15 Cents.

BY FORCE OF IMPULSE. A drama in five acts. Nine male, three female
character^. Time, two hours and a half. Price, 15 Cents.

A LESSON IN ELEGANCE. A comedy in one act. Four female characters.
Time, thirty minutes. Price, 15 Cents.

WANTED. A CONFIDENTIAL CLERK. A farce in one act. Six male
characters. Time, thirty minutes. Price, 15 Cents.

SECOND SIGHT. A farcical comedy in one act. Four male, one female charac-
ter. Time, one hour. Price, 15 Cents.

THE TRIPLE WEDDING. A drama in three acts. Four male, four female
characters. Time, one hour and a quarter. Price, 15 cents.
^^^ Any 0/ the above will be sent by utaily postpaid, I/} any address, on receipt

of the anfiexed prices. „„^^

HAROLD ROORBACH, Publisher. 9 Murray St., New York.

LIBRftRY OF CONGRESS

HELMER'S

ACTOR'S MAKE-UP |||||||||||||||||| mi,,,,,,,!,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

A Frattical and Systematic Guide to the Art c/ . n 014 549 849 i ^

PRICE, 25 CENTS.

With exhaustive treatment on the Use of Theatrical
Wigs and Bkards, The Make-up and its requisite materials, the

different features and their MANAGEMENr, TYPICAL CHARACTER

Masks, etc. With Special Hints to Ladies. Designed for the
USE OF Actors and Amateurs, and for both Ladies and Gentle-
men. Copiously Illustrated.

CONTENTS.

L Theatrical Wigs. — The Style and Form of Theatrical Wigs
and Beards. The Color and Shading of Theatrical Wigs and Beards.
Directions for Measuring the Head. To put on a Wig properly.

H. Theatrical Beards. — How to fashion a Beard out of crepe
hair. How to make Beards of Wool. The growth of Beard simu-
lated.

HL The Make-up. — A successful Character Mask, and how to
make it. Perspiration during performance, how removed,

IV. The Make-up Box.— Grease Paints. Grease paintL in
sticks; Flesh Cream; Face Powder; How to use face powder as a
liquid cream ; The various shades of face powder. Water Cos-
in6iique. Nose Putty. Court Plaster. Cocoa Butter. Crepe Hair
and Prepared Wool. Grenadine. Dorin's Rouge. "Old Man's"
Rouge. "Juvenile" Rouge. Spirit Gum. Email Noir. Bear's
Grease. Eyebrow Pencils. Artist's Stomps. Powder Puffs. Hares'
Feet. Camels'-hair Brushes.

V. The Features and their Treatment. — The Eyes : blind-
ness. The Eyelids. The Eyebrows : How to paint out an eyebrow or
moustache ; llow to paste on eyebrows ; How to regulate bushy eye-
brows. The Eyelashes : To alter the appearance of the eyes. The
Ears. The Nose : A Roman nose; How to use the nose putty; A
pug nose ; An African nose; a large nose apparently reduced in size.
The Mouihand Lips : a juvenile mouth ; an old mouth ; a sensuous
mouth; a satirical mouth; a one-sided mouth; a merry mouth ; A
sullen mouth. The Teeth. The Neck, Arms, Hands and Finger-
nails : Fingernails lengthened. Wrinkles: Friendliness and Sullen-
ness indicated by wrinkles. Shading. A Starving character. A
Cut in the Face. A Thin Face Made Fleshy.

VI. Typical Character Masks, — The Make-up for Youth :
Dimpled cheeks. Manhood. Middle Age. Making up as a Drunk-
ard : One method ; another method. Old Age. Negroes. Moors.
Chinese. King Lear, Shylock, Macbeth. Richelieu. Statuary.
Clowns.

VII. Special Hints to Ladies. — The Make-up. Theatrical
Wiga and Hair Goods.

Sent by mail, postpaid, to any address, on receipt of the price.

HAROLD ROORBACH, Publisher,

^ 9 Murray Street, :New York.